Lessons on Showing Up for Loved Ones from My Family’s Crisis
Another in our new series Nerdy Notes: Science in Story & Verse
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This is another in our new series: Nerdy Notes: Science in Story & Verse
In these posts, our Nerdy Girl scientists and clinicians will share personal stories, insights, poetry, and more. While these posts may be lighter in terms of numbers and figures, they will still be rooted in our tradition and commitment to providing accessible and trustworthy information.
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Lessons on Showing Up for Loved Ones from My Family’s Crisis
When our son was a year old, my spouse, Chris, was diagnosed with cancer. It was a shock, but I was optimistic at first. The initial prognosis was good. Unfortunately, the specific mutations turned out to be rare and aggressive, and we only had another two and a half years together. It was heartbreaking to watch my athletic, brilliant partner deteriorate and suffer.
However, during this time, I found myself growing in unexpected ways. I had worked as a crisis counselor, so I had practice supporting people in emotional distress and navigating healthcare systems. But in my personal life, I’d often felt I had to choose between functioning and feeling. Doing both at the same time felt impossible if the feelings were overwhelming. The difficult gift of a long crisis was that I couldn’t stay in crisis mode. I wanted to be there for Chris and our young son and to experience our time together deeply. Slowly, I learned to “function and feel” at the same time, and that muscle grew over time. As awful as this was, I am grateful for some of the ways this experience has changed me. Today, I am happily remarried, and our son is a funny, smart third grader.
I know that not everyone has the support they need to weather personal crises like this. One thing that stood out to me during Chris’s illness was how kind people were when they learned about our family’s situation. I could mention to a bank teller or a stranger in a parking garage that my spouse had cancer and that we had a young child, and they would respond with kindness.
Not every crisis is easily shared or met with empathy, and this was on my mind a lot. I had previously experienced other difficult times in my life that were much less comfortable to explain. Plus, I worked as a crisis counselor with survivors of intimate partner violence and sexual assault for many years, and I am close to people who had all sorts of different life-altering events: losing loved ones to suicide and overdose, awful divorces, or estrangement from family members.
Reducing stigma about mental health, abuse, substance use, and other challenging topics can make such a difference in the support people receive. I want everyone to have more of what they need on an individual, community, and systemic level.
While we need to continue to work on systems change, this takes time. However, there are many things we can do right now personally to support friends and family going through hard times.
No matter what type of crisis someone is going through - especially if the situation might not be met with compassion and understanding - you can make a huge difference.
During my time as a primary caregiver through cancer treatment and, ultimately, hospice and grief, I learned a lot about the kinds of support that truly make a difference. While there’s no “one size fits all” approach to supporting someone in the midst of a crisis or loss, I’m sharing some approaches that helped me and could be helpful for others.
Suggestions for Providing Support
Whether you’re supporting the person directly affected or those closest to them, these tips are meant to help ease the journey for everyone involved.
Notice Your Own Needs and Get Support
It can be hard to be close to someone going through illness or heartbreak. Learning to be present with hard realities and caring for yourself are huge gifts for yourself and everyone around you.
I am a big fan of the “Ring Theory” of support, which I learned about from a friend who is a therapist and has experienced major losses. It was first developed by Psychologist Susan Silk over a decade ago. This approach helps people find support and honor others’ needs at the same time.
Imagine a series of concentric circles, like a bullseye, with the person most directly affected at the center. In our situation, that person was Chris. The closest family members and dear friends are in the next ring, with other friends and family in the middle, and acquaintances further out. People in each ring provide comfort to those in rings closer to the center, and everyone seeks support from people farther out. Everyone can get support, but we don't ask those who are more affected than us to soothe our feelings about their crisis.
Ring Theory of Support
People in each ring provide comfort to those in rings closer to the center, and everyone seeks support from people farther out.
Assess Your Capacity and Communicate What You Can Offer
Start by checking in with yourself to gauge how much support—and what kind—you can realistically provide. Are you more comfortable with practical help or emotional support? Both are valuable, and offering what aligns with your strengths will likely be the most helpful. Offer what you can commit to, and if your availability changes, update them on what you are and are not able to do.
Offer Specific, Practical Help
Offering specific, concrete ways to help—rather than saying “let us know if you need anything”—can lighten the burden of extra planning. Common needs include meals, childcare, rides, errands, and financial contributions. Unique offers that tap into special skills (like pet-sitting a dog that needs medication or preparing meals for dietary restrictions) are often especially appreciated.
If you’re able, ask if they’d like you to set up a meal train, help with chores, or arrange rides to appointments. If you’re far away, you could still have a meal delivered or be a point person for practical help.
Provide Emotional Support
There were times I desperately wanted to fix things. I exhausted myself researching special diets and preventing exposure to common illnesses that could be dangerous for Chris. But I kept coming back to the realization that just being present and validating Chris’s feelings during hard periods was often the best support.
Listening without trying to “fix it” can be powerful. Being present and allowing space for difficult emotions helps a lot. If it feels challenging to stay grounded and present, consider taking time to center yourself—or offer support in other ways.
Respect Boundaries and Give Space
One thing that really helped me was when my supervisor sent an office-wide email explaining my preferences for check-ins. I wanted colleagues to feel comfortable interacting with me, but I didn’t want to be caught off guard by intense questions or well-meaning stories about relatives who had unexpectedly beaten cancer. My supervisor’s message let everyone know how much I appreciated their care and encouraged them to say hello while allowing me to initiate any deeper conversations if and when I felt ready.
Everyone handles crises differently. Respect when they need space or prefer to talk on their terms—it’s tough to dive into big topics and then shift back to daily life. Gentle check-ins like, “I’m here if you ever want to talk, but no pressure,” or “If you’d like to check in, let me know when would work well for you.” can be comforting without adding pressure.
Respect Faith or Lack Thereof
Honor faith beliefs or nonreligious views without imposing your own.
Keep Communication Low-Pressure
Let them know replies aren’t needed unless you need to know an appointment time for a ride or something else essential. One friend taught me how helpful this was with messages like “No need to reply, just wanted you to know I’m thinking of you.”
If you do want a response, make it clear it’s to help meet their needs, like “Could you let me know if your kids have a favorite fruit? If I don’t hear back, I’ll get a mix!”
Offer Genuine Encouragement
Try to encourage in ways that reflect their values, avoiding platitudes or promises that “everything will be OK.” Some people appreciate affirmations of their strength, while others are tired of hearing “how strong they are” when they wish they didn’t have to be.
Specific, values-based praise often feels better: “It’s amazing that you remembered Monique’s birthday after the week you’ve had,” or “I really admire how genuine you’ve been about what’s going on.”
Help Them Feel Useful and Connected
This may not be true for everyone, but I personally found it helpful to hear about other people’s lives. It was a distraction from our situation and helped me feel connected to others. When friends were worried about sharing everyday struggles, I would let them know I still wanted to hear about “the wonderful, the terrible, and the annoying.” If I wasn’t up for focusing on someone else, I would tell them.
Sometimes, a person going through an illness or crisis might want to feel capable and connected to their usual identity. Find ways for them to contribute, even if it’s simple. Example: “I’d love your advice on this project—if you’re up for it.”
Support Self-Care and Fun in Realistic Ways
Sometimes I tried to plan special days together, only to find that Chris couldn’t enjoy my plans. Eating was hard, so special meals weren’t an option. Walks that had previously been easy were tiring, and going to a favorite swimming hole after extreme weight loss wasn’t fun anymore. Even having a connected conversation with me could be hard during times of physical pain. So I learned to adjust my expectations and check in about what might actually feel good.
I recommend suggesting small pleasures that fit a person's current capacity and physical ability. Shared moments like listening to music or taking a drive together can be comforting.
Check for Comfort with Advice and Information
Ask before offering advice or information. Example: “Would it be helpful if I looked up info on that? Or is that too much right now?”
Adapt Humor
Even with limited brain capacity toward the end, Chris’s sense of humor remained intact much longer than expected. This helped us through some terrible moments, but that hasn’t been true for some other people I’ve known during times of crisis.
If you normally share humor with the person you’re supporting, gauge their comfort with it now. Some people really appreciate that you are treating them like they’re still the same person, but humor can feel insensitive to others.
Avoid “Winning” and “Losing” Language, and Support Decisions About End-of-Life Care
If someone is nearing the end of life and chooses palliative or hospice care, supporting their decisions is one of the most meaningful ways you can show your love. It’s also helpful to be mindful of the language used to describe their choices.
You may have heard language comparing cancer or other health conditions to a “battle” or a “fight.” While some find this framing motivating, it can also send the message that if treatment doesn’t work, the person has “lost” and that shifting to palliative or hospice care is “giving up.”
Dying is not a failure.
When someone with a terminal illness decides to focus on palliative care or hospice, they are making a deeply personal choice to prioritize comfort, dignity, and quality of life. Often, this decision allows them to spend the time they have left in ways that matter most to them and their loved ones.
A month and a half before Chris died, I had to call 911 because Chris suddenly became extremely ill and confused. At the hospital, a CT scan revealed brain tumors, a devastating sign that the latest treatment wasn’t working. Although we already knew the cancer was incurable, we had hoped for more time—months, maybe even a year.
Around the same time, we received a fundraising letter from a non-profit organization that had supported us earlier in Chris’s treatment. The letter highlighted our family and included a fabricated quote from me: “Chris is still fighting the good fight and won’t give up.” The organization meant well, but seeing those words reinforced the idea that treatment is a “fight” and that the end of treatment was “giving up.” That wasn’t the way we saw it.
The truth is that when we received the news about the brain tumors, Chris and I had one of the hardest but most important conversations of our relationship. Chris made the decision to stop treatment and begin hospice care, despite wanting to be with me, to continue a career in woodworking, and more than anything, to raise our son for many more years. Shifting to hospice didn’t mean those dreams were less important to Chris. It meant accepting reality and focusing on the things that mattered that we could actually do: have time together, try to keep Chris comfortable, and say goodbye.
Final Thoughts
I still have work to do to fully process everything that happened over the last few years, and sometimes I’m surprised by a memory or anxiety that pops up. But the support I’ve received has helped to keep me going. I’ll always be immensely grateful for friends, family, and colleagues who were there for us during the hardest moments.
The most meaningful support combines what feels natural to you with responsiveness to the needs of the person going through the crisis. By showing up, listening, and respecting boundaries, you can provide care that genuinely lightens the load.
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I’m truly moved by your generosity in sharing your hard-felt lessons from a loss so personal and deep. You’ve given invaluable insight with so many tangible suggestions. I’m sharing this and marking it to come back to when needed <3